I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize