i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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