can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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