you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
