remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
