I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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