just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
