I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We have started to decorate penises.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
