So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
