Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
