So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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