i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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