Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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