sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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