I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
