dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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