i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
