i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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