I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
