I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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