i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
