Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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