Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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