I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
