I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize