she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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