my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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