A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
