i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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