I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
