You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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