I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
