Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize