I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
