Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
