just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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