it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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