Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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