Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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