i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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