So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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