I puked a lego.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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