I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
