Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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