1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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