get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
