My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
