some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
