On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
