I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
