no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
