I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
