I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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