I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
