tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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