i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
