I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize