her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
