i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
