it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
