I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
