Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
