We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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