There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize