mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
