I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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