I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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