Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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